The Beginning of the Beginning

Baptism: Noun:

1. Ecclesiastical. A ceremonial immersion in water, or application of water, as an initiatory rite or sacrament of the Christian church.
2. Any similar ceremony or action of initiation, dedication, etc.
3. A trying or purifying experience or initiation.
4. Christian Science. Purification of thought and character.

"baptism." Dictionary.com Unabridged (v 1.1). Random House, Inc. 16 Sep. 2008. http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/baptism>.



An 11th grade English teacher once told me that using a definition to start off a body of work is a weak opening, and therefore bad. Since it has been years since high school for me, and 99.9% chances she won't (or anyone, for that matter) be reading this blog, I don't care. It's my blog, and I'll do what I want to! (Within reason, of course.)

I'm also reminded of a conversation I had with one of my best friends. I'm not sure how the topic of blogging came up, but I told her that I would never blog, because (in my humble opinion) it's too much work, too pretentious and scary, and anyone in their right mind would certainly protect their privacy and innermost thoughts and feelings and NOT post them for all to see.

And yet, here I am, doing all of those things by starting a blog. Oops.;)

Why am I starting on this journey and posting it for everyone to see? Wait...let's be real here for a second....almost no one to see? It all comes down to one simple reason:

I'm fat.

HA! Didn't think you would reading that excuse, would you? Let me explain: It has been years since I've been in shape. I used to swim competitively (both summer league and year round), and I was a decent swimmer. I loved it! I loved the smell of the chlorine (don't judge), the one-ness I felt with the water, and the team camaraderie I felt at practice and at meets (especially the out of town ones...those were fun!). I loved being a part of the group called athletes, even if I was so uncoordinated in gym class despite years of ballet. I loved being able to eat all of those carbs!

After a while, swimming became a job, a chore. I began to hate it. I hated that I missed church and youth group due to swim meets. I hated that I had to schedule my life around practices and meets. I hated that I wasn't improving my times in the events I swam.

But I also found things I loved: I loved singing and dancing in my show choirs at school (even if I was in the back row most of the time). I loved spending more time with my youth group, and I loved being in leadership positions in my church and on the district level. Most importantly, I loved God. Make no mistake about this: God doesn't hate swimming and people who partake in the sport. But swimming was getting in the way of my identity, getting in the way of my relationship with him.

With all of the things I loved and hated, I quit and didn't look back. I didn't stop eating, however, and I began to gain weight; in fact I've been steadily gaining weight since high school. It definitely came a-callin' during my years at CNU (Freshman 15 was waiting for me, it seemed), and after I left. Still, every time I tried to join a gym or eat healthier or try this diet blah blah blah, it never seemed to stick. I've also claimed my willpower and ADD as an excuse, but it's something deeper than that. You see, I'm scared to actually go through with it and lose weight. Why? Because it will take all of me, and I will have to let God into the deepest, darkest places of my heart and soul. That's heavy.

So I kept eating and buying bigger sizes of clothes and loathing the way I looked in pictures, figuring I was destined to always be fat and miserable and alone for the rest my life. Which would be okay, except I'm a hopeless romantic. I love happy endings, and I believe in faith, hope, and love...I want all of those for myself! I want to be in love and marry some uber fantastic guy who is my soul mate, and I want a strong, thisclose relationship with God. I'm using my weight as a shield you see...a "get back, I'll win you over with dorkiness and wit, but you'll never see my whole heart". That, and I'm also getting annoyed of me being out of breath every time I climb the stairs at my college, and having my students run circles around me whenever we go on retreats, mission trips, even regular Sunday night meetings.

Oh, oops. I forgot to mention, I'm a youth minister. My students (past and present) are the loves of my life, but I can tell that I'm only going so far with them. That's because most of the time, to be perfectly honest, I hold God at arm's length.

Yeah, I wasn't planning on saying that out loud ever, and this frickin' blog is making me do it! The curse is starting! HA! Just kidding.;)

Anyways, I was unhappy and miserable and lost pretending I was happy and confident about everything, and content with the way things were. And then something happened. Or I should say, someone.



Michael Phelps.



Specifically, the U.S. Olympic swim team and the sport of swimming during the Olympic Games. What Michael managed to accomplish during the Olympics is nothing short of a miracle and amazing, and as always, the U.S. managed to dominate the sport and make all of us back home proud. So many people ask each other what their favorite MP Olympic moment was, and for me, hands down, is his first Gold medal: the men's 4X100 freestyle relay. The French were talking smack about how they were going to crush the Americans (come to think of it, when do the French NOT talk about smack about Americans?), and we beat them. Hands to the wall.

I then felt what I had been denying for weeks, and months: It's time for be to get back into the water. It's calling my name, and it has been for a while. I want to smell the chlorine, feel the rhythm as I move from one wall to the other, and get the power back in my lungs and my legs. This time, it's for keeps, although I won't let it overpower my identity like I did when I was younger. This time, God is leading me slowly, so that I can begin the purification of me, my health, and my soul. The one thing that took me away from God and that I said goodbye too, is now the very and only thing God is bringing me back to and introducing me to again, like an old friend. The sentiment is not lost on me.

So this blog will be about me starting (finally! for real this time) the journey to become healthy and in shape again, and to find my lost self in the process. It will be about me answering the call to the water, and me swimming my way to a new beginning. It will honestly capture all of my struggles, setbacks, frustrations and disappointments, and will celebrate my joys and my moving forward. I'll talk about everything: joining a gym, buying a bathing suit (yeah, I'm looking forward to that), attempting to change my diet (I'm NOT giving up Coca-Cola, I can tell you right now) and everything in between. It will NOT be about correct grammar, because as you can see I tend to write my thoughts down on paper directly without translating them first. If you are a grammar Nazi, this blog is not for you.;)

Let's dive in, shall we? Let begin the beginning of the beautiful, complicated, painful, yet life-affirming friendship.